Do you know yourself? Do you want to really know yourself? In the midst of tragedy and navigating a life after trauma, I am forcing myself to ask these questions. Tragedy changes you……. you never come back the same….. this isn’t bad but it is hard to navigate finding your true north after a life changing event.
I have come to realize I will never be other than who I am until I am willing to embrace the reality of who I am now…….. only at this point can I truly become who I am most deeply called to be!!!!!!! But who is this person? We search for a missing spiritual key, but we tend to look for it outside of ourselves where it seems easiest to search. But the key is inside, in the dark places. Understanding this means I need to explore those pieces within me……. the darkest parts. Am I willing to look at them, analyze them, bring them into the light……. into the places others can see them???? Am I willing to be vulnerable so I can heal and perhaps others can grow beyond where I am capable of reaching?
Living a life after trauma pushes you beyond any boundaries you could imagine being in close proximity. As I explore these new boundaries in my life I take a leap…….. and ask…….. What is my sin? Have you ever asked what your sin is???? I am not talking about what I think I have done wrong, but to truly ask how I have missed the mark…… Where I am broken and damaged….. what is my fatal flaw!?! What is masking my original creational goodness? What is infecting my being????
My heart begins to pound as I await an honest answer…… Do I want to know? The question that rumbles within my brain is……If I know I have to change….. will I be willing to change? Then the answer came………….Amy, ‘You Worry’…. that is your sin. I reply…. only one sin? I thought there would be a list to work through…. only one, but it is a big one. Then I hear… when you worry you do not trust Me. I understand……. Am I willing to stand and trust….. trust in the unknown….. trust in what I will likely fail in…. trust in the fact that I will never be the greatness that I believe is great…. trust that being average is enough…….. what adventures will come if I choose to not worry? Only time and courage will tell…………